go figure

i thought friday night was going to rock. and then it wasn't going to even roll once plans changed. all seemed lost.

and then i got a phone number and it all turned around.

as a generic character in a generic movie once exclaimed, "awesome!"

it's been awhile

2 months since my last post. and what pray tell has happened in those 2 months?

mostly that whole heart's-broken-and-she-isn't-coming-back-to-me-like-i-foolishly-wished-for thing. that stuff eats away your soul. lord almighty. i did write two songs that i think are actually my two strongest ever come out of this whole experience, so that's a silver lining, right?

what just kills me is this whole facebook thing - i did finally de-friend her because otherwise my mind would have just spontaneously combusted if i looked at her profile one more time. seeing every status update, where she's been, who she's hanging out with. ugh. it just got to be too much and i felt like a dumb oaf for doing it. when her relationship status changed to include mr.-i'm-everything-matt's-not i knew i had to end it. so after 5 beers i took the necessary actions and bid adieu.

it still drives me crazy. it's hard to imagine a time pre-facebook when relationships ended and you had no way of checking up on someone unless you actually called them. ignorance was bliss. nowadays ignorance is hard to achieve since there are very easy ways of cyber-stalking. not that i'm cyber-stalking. i'm over that. now i'm just left alone with my imagination (which can almost be worse than the real thing).

luckily the world will end in 2012 so i don't have to mope for too much longer. what's one more year knowing i lost the best thing i had? it'll fly by. for sure.

ideally a hand is going to pop out of my screen here and slap me for going on and on about all this. i just need a good smack, because, really, enough's enough, right?


right?

2day

i watched some netflix, did my laundry, washed the dishes, took out the trash and recycling, vacuumed, showered and shaved, bought some riesling, cleaned my desk, spoke to my mom, tweaked my laptop, ate a rice ball, recorded a song, tweaked a song, tweaked an eyebrow, went the bathroom, watched some football, played a video game, finished a book, finished the riesling, watched more netflix and finally, had a popsicle.

and yet i feel like i accomplished nothing today. go fig.

oh jeff bridges. my new deity.

"life has a way of moving you past wants and hopes." that's spoken by the character kevin flynn, played by the dude, jeff bridges, in 'tron: legacy'. ain't nothin' too original, but it definitely struck a chord with me while i was watching the film. in 3-d, no less.

there's been a lot i've wanted. especially around december 25. and lord knows there's been plenty that i hoped for. usually after breakups. but those wants and hopes don't necessarily come to fruition. and though at the time i might be saddened and heartbroken, things usually turn out just fine regardless. and that's the thing i always forgot come the next christmas. or next "matt, it's not you, it's me" speech. life does this funny thing where you think you're about to hit a wall (on your light cycle!) when at the last second you take a sharp right and go in a completely different direction (and across the sea of simulation!)

and i think that's where i'm at right now. i was pretty sure i crashed into the wall a few months ago and figured i had derezzed (another tron reference for ye of little knowledge) but i'm still here. still chuggin' along, albeit slowly. but i think that's because life has something else intended for me. not sure what, not sure with whom. thought i knew but as time goes by, everything i knew changes.

so here i am. a guy, thrust into a world he doesn't know the first thing about. given a chance to lay low and become one with the grid, or take a chance and change everything about him. i have to think about it, cause it's not as easy an answer as you'd think.

but ok, cue the daft punk track, because i know exactly what i'm gonna do....

a quote i discovered in 2001, almost 10 years ago. still relevant.

"hope is a constant companion in life. it is the one thing that neither cruel nature, God nor other men can wrench from us. health, wealth, parents, beloved brothers and sisters, children, friends, the past, the future - all can be stolen from us as easily as an unguarded purse. but our greatest treasure, hope, remains. it is a sturdy little motor within, purring, ticking, driving us on when reason would suggest surrender. it is both the most pathetic and noblest thing about us, the most absurd and the most admirable quality we possess, for as long as we have hope, we also have the capacity for love, for caring, for decency."

~'twilight eyes' by dean koontz

true grit, indeed

just got off the phone. and then took my deep breath for the day. yes, that deep breath. and then i took a second one cause i really needed it.

this isn't going to be easy. but that's not surprising. according to an aries overview for 2011, "The theme of hard work continues when it comes to relationships. You've learned the hard way that this doesn't mean sacrificing your needs or denying your true self. No longer is the name of the game about pleasing the other at the expense of losing yourself or vice versa. In fact, games are off. Honesty truly counts and is essential for preserving the integrity of your relationships."

so i'm working on that honesty thing and hoping that the results reflect that. it's a daily struggle, of course. when isn't it? but with the turning of a new year, i find it refreshing that i've been given a chance to right some wrongs and fix what was broken. you know, i've never been a great predictor of the future but i can't help but think this will all turn out just as i imagine. in a good way. i've been told i have a fanciful imagination, but this is more real than any silly fantasy i could conjure up. and so i'm ready...

and if i'm completely mistaken and everything falls apart, then there's always that empty crag in that lonely mountain side, somewhere in the deep abyss of a new england wood where i will bide my time in sweet solitude.

perhaps i'll learn to whittle.

....and here we go!

2011 is off to a great start. stayed in bed till about 1 pm on saturday, which was a real treat, gotta admit. hadn't done that since my days as a high school drop-out.

after a wholesome brunch at igloo diner, i did a little "spring" cleaning and got rid of some clutter that had politely taken up space in my room over the last year. i finally found that birthday card i was going to send to someone. as well as the chocolates attached to it, of which i quickly disposed of into my stomach.

and then i tackled the darkness that lurks beneath my bed. a treasure trove of things that aren't necessarily treasures have found there way below and jammed themselves into any space available. this needed some heavy-duty cleaning. a box of nerds and glass of riesling later, i had managed to crawl 3/4 of the way through. and tucked in the very back of the abyss, i found a little box. and in that box, shoved in the deepest corner was hope - a little birdie told me that 2011 is going to be an amazing year for me, both financially and romantically. and supposedly my artistic endeavors are really going to soar. as in, finally happen. this year.

2011.

so i took that box filled with hope and placed it on my freshly cleaned desk and there it stays as a reminder. that what i thought was lost and gone and a complete joke-of-a-dream was really here all along. granted, it was hiding behind my "star wars: pop-up guide to the galaxy" underneath my bed, but it was there nonetheless.

and so i go on, day by day, taking my daily breath (read previous post!!!) and feeling good about this one. i'm coming from such a low point in my life right now that i really think it can only go up from here. we really do fall just so we can learn to get up. and so (warning: boring metaphor ahead) this year i will learn to stand and stand proudly, with head held high.

so thank god i did some cleaning, otherwise that box would continue to collect dust and remain forever lost in the darkness. 

and i wouldn't have seen that amazing pop-up of darth vader again. bonus!