2day

i watched some netflix, did my laundry, washed the dishes, took out the trash and recycling, vacuumed, showered and shaved, bought some riesling, cleaned my desk, spoke to my mom, tweaked my laptop, ate a rice ball, recorded a song, tweaked a song, tweaked an eyebrow, went the bathroom, watched some football, played a video game, finished a book, finished the riesling, watched more netflix and finally, had a popsicle.

and yet i feel like i accomplished nothing today. go fig.

oh jeff bridges. my new deity.

"life has a way of moving you past wants and hopes." that's spoken by the character kevin flynn, played by the dude, jeff bridges, in 'tron: legacy'. ain't nothin' too original, but it definitely struck a chord with me while i was watching the film. in 3-d, no less.

there's been a lot i've wanted. especially around december 25. and lord knows there's been plenty that i hoped for. usually after breakups. but those wants and hopes don't necessarily come to fruition. and though at the time i might be saddened and heartbroken, things usually turn out just fine regardless. and that's the thing i always forgot come the next christmas. or next "matt, it's not you, it's me" speech. life does this funny thing where you think you're about to hit a wall (on your light cycle!) when at the last second you take a sharp right and go in a completely different direction (and across the sea of simulation!)

and i think that's where i'm at right now. i was pretty sure i crashed into the wall a few months ago and figured i had derezzed (another tron reference for ye of little knowledge) but i'm still here. still chuggin' along, albeit slowly. but i think that's because life has something else intended for me. not sure what, not sure with whom. thought i knew but as time goes by, everything i knew changes.

so here i am. a guy, thrust into a world he doesn't know the first thing about. given a chance to lay low and become one with the grid, or take a chance and change everything about him. i have to think about it, cause it's not as easy an answer as you'd think.

but ok, cue the daft punk track, because i know exactly what i'm gonna do....

a quote i discovered in 2001, almost 10 years ago. still relevant.

"hope is a constant companion in life. it is the one thing that neither cruel nature, God nor other men can wrench from us. health, wealth, parents, beloved brothers and sisters, children, friends, the past, the future - all can be stolen from us as easily as an unguarded purse. but our greatest treasure, hope, remains. it is a sturdy little motor within, purring, ticking, driving us on when reason would suggest surrender. it is both the most pathetic and noblest thing about us, the most absurd and the most admirable quality we possess, for as long as we have hope, we also have the capacity for love, for caring, for decency."

~'twilight eyes' by dean koontz

true grit, indeed

just got off the phone. and then took my deep breath for the day. yes, that deep breath. and then i took a second one cause i really needed it.

this isn't going to be easy. but that's not surprising. according to an aries overview for 2011, "The theme of hard work continues when it comes to relationships. You've learned the hard way that this doesn't mean sacrificing your needs or denying your true self. No longer is the name of the game about pleasing the other at the expense of losing yourself or vice versa. In fact, games are off. Honesty truly counts and is essential for preserving the integrity of your relationships."

so i'm working on that honesty thing and hoping that the results reflect that. it's a daily struggle, of course. when isn't it? but with the turning of a new year, i find it refreshing that i've been given a chance to right some wrongs and fix what was broken. you know, i've never been a great predictor of the future but i can't help but think this will all turn out just as i imagine. in a good way. i've been told i have a fanciful imagination, but this is more real than any silly fantasy i could conjure up. and so i'm ready...

and if i'm completely mistaken and everything falls apart, then there's always that empty crag in that lonely mountain side, somewhere in the deep abyss of a new england wood where i will bide my time in sweet solitude.

perhaps i'll learn to whittle.

....and here we go!

2011 is off to a great start. stayed in bed till about 1 pm on saturday, which was a real treat, gotta admit. hadn't done that since my days as a high school drop-out.

after a wholesome brunch at igloo diner, i did a little "spring" cleaning and got rid of some clutter that had politely taken up space in my room over the last year. i finally found that birthday card i was going to send to someone. as well as the chocolates attached to it, of which i quickly disposed of into my stomach.

and then i tackled the darkness that lurks beneath my bed. a treasure trove of things that aren't necessarily treasures have found there way below and jammed themselves into any space available. this needed some heavy-duty cleaning. a box of nerds and glass of riesling later, i had managed to crawl 3/4 of the way through. and tucked in the very back of the abyss, i found a little box. and in that box, shoved in the deepest corner was hope - a little birdie told me that 2011 is going to be an amazing year for me, both financially and romantically. and supposedly my artistic endeavors are really going to soar. as in, finally happen. this year.

2011.

so i took that box filled with hope and placed it on my freshly cleaned desk and there it stays as a reminder. that what i thought was lost and gone and a complete joke-of-a-dream was really here all along. granted, it was hiding behind my "star wars: pop-up guide to the galaxy" underneath my bed, but it was there nonetheless.

and so i go on, day by day, taking my daily breath (read previous post!!!) and feeling good about this one. i'm coming from such a low point in my life right now that i really think it can only go up from here. we really do fall just so we can learn to get up. and so (warning: boring metaphor ahead) this year i will learn to stand and stand proudly, with head held high.

so thank god i did some cleaning, otherwise that box would continue to collect dust and remain forever lost in the darkness. 

and i wouldn't have seen that amazing pop-up of darth vader again. bonus!

the eve of a new year

less than 5 hours before a new decade starts. funny how we compress time into little groups that make it easier for us to wrap our minds around when in fact, time is but an illusion and this is all just one freakin' long day. really. on new years day, everyone takes a moment and thinks of what changes they'll make, what issues to address and for the first time all year, they take a breath. a deep breath. an honest-to-goodness breath. and you figure that's probably the only successful breath they'll have over the next 364 days. because there is stress and jobs and love and not love and families and births and deaths and groupons that get all jumbled up in this mix and you find yourself breathing in short, quick gasps. and i'm not talking just metaphorically.

so i plead you, my 4 faithful followers (and to those who secretly read these), breathe. and don't just do it tomorrow. allow yourself to take one long, strong, deep breath and hold it at least once a day. or start small and try it 3 times a week. mark it on your calendar, circle it, put a gold star next to it. what we do automatically every moment of our lives can have more impact when done with a sense of purpose.

and all the "life" you're dealing with won't seem so unmanageable. and maybe, just maybe, you'll get your taxes done early. or you'll decide to enroll in that bartending class you've been told you should do. or you'll allow yourself an extra 15 minutes in a warm bath. or you'll try that new indian place down the road you've always walked by, secretly wishing you just went in and got that gosh darn samosa!

point is, before you make lofty (and not-so-lofty) resolutions, remember the most important one (though not the easiest as you'd think). breathe.

and with that said, i wish you all a wonderful new year. as for me, i have 5 hours to stretch my diaphragm and prep myself for that first breath of 2011.

cheers,
matt

tuesdays with matty

tuesday. tuuuuesday. there's a 'liquid u' in that word. it's haunted me for 5 years now thanks to some foreign guy named lev learning to speak english - don't ask, don't tell.

oh wait, that doesn't exist anymore - dang! ok, so i should tell you. so this guy, lev, was finding his way through the pronounciation of our colorful language and for some reason the word 'tuesday' stuck out and when my esl teacher "friend" (seriously don't ask, don't tell) told me about him saying, 'tuuuuuuuesday' over and over, it just never left my brain. never has a day of the week infected my mind before (though when 'x-files' used to be on friday nights, that was a big deal...)

but i digress...

'tuesdays with morrie' was a sweet book. and a sappy movie starring jack lemmon. and i think i will borrow the conceit and bring all my faithful followers (now at 4!) portions of pansophy on a weekly basis. after all, what's the point of writing all this down if you, my dearies, can't take something away from it.

so here's my first worldly lesson that should be duly noted - when giving gifts to loved ones, it's always best to have partially used it yourself already. for example, my dear friend coog recently reminded me of a package i once sent her for her birthday. amongst the treasures she received was a mad libs book and as she flipped through the pages, she saw that i had already filled in some of the blanks. her initial reaction was, "matt, you gave me a half-used mad libs book that you probably found under your bed." and she was right, BUT, my counter argument was that i gave that used book to her (a plethora of adjectives, nouns and verbs already filling out fantastical sentences) in the hopes that she would finish the remaining blanks, so that we essentially worked on it together - our two minds would have created some amazingly funny one-liners, for sure, and, since she was living on the other side of the country, it would be like we were there side-by-side doling out words like 'munificent' or 'prismatic' or 'bum'. i mean, you get it, right? a sweet gesture under the umbrella of friendship.

well, needless to say, my following birthday i received a half-roll of toilet paper with a note attached: "happy birthday, matt! everytime you pillage and plunder the john, it will be like i'm right there, sharing the experience with you. and don't worry, you'll come across some used sections of tp, but think of them as adjectives and pronouns."

it truly was the best gift ever. clearly my lesson had reached through to her.

and i still have it. under my bed.